Fat Love

   Living in Los Angeles, I have seen more people crammed in to one spot than any other place I have ever been throughout my entire life. I am constantly meeting and being introduced to new faces, which can be challenging considering the fact that I have a very difficult time remembering names. In a world that moves so quickly and where figures are so fleeting, you can easily be swallowed up. Since I came back from holiday in Texas, I have been feeling this emptiness and loneliness that I didn't feel here before I left. It crept in like the raccoons at camp grounds, undetected and intelligently. Undetected because I had no idea that this was what I was even feeling until it kind of blurted out of my mouth during girls circle at my community group on Wednesday night. Intelligently because it occurred at the most opportune moment to weaken me. Satan does that, that dirty devil. Getting to see and interact with my friends and family back in Texas reminded me of how much I have at home, and it was hard to come back here and miss that. The constant love, support, and security. No other place on this planet can beat that. Also, the open space in Texas is quite nice, and I do miss clean air.

   There is a song entitled "Skinny Love" by Bon Iver, and I have been listening to this song over and over again. Despite its somber melody, it is very poetic and musically/emotionally beautiful. I was using this song to dwell in my pit of pity though. I was blaming God for a certain situation I was put in, and I was confused and angry with where I was. I expected to be somewhere else at this point. I predicted that I would have accomplished more and done more and been more by now. I figured that something great was supposed to occur already since God had called me out here 6 months ago. Well, needless to say, I bet you can predict what happened... I was humbled.

   I have spent the past week receiving an infinite amount of love without acknowledging it. At my nanny job, Coen the toddler and Oscar the kindergardener are always pouring their sweet, innocent love into my life. The bright smiles and excitement that I receive from them everyday as I walk through the door could melt any grinch's heart. Too bad I was busy being self absorbed with my own over exaggerated drama. Linda, who has graciously welcomed me into her home and shares whatever she has with me continuously gives and gives and gives. We eat and chat together about our day and what's going on, but I should devote more time in trying to give back to her! My classmates in my new class have been really supportive and active in participation, which is a huge blessing. Though the class is difficult, it is nice to have dependable peers who are actually interested in you and your success.

   I think what finally slapped me across the face and woke me up from this somber slumber was today. Today I just chilled with friends. I drove down to La Mirada and saw all of my friends who live down there, and it was awesome. I had such a good time hanging out, and I decided that I am definitely going to take trips down there more often because they are just solid people. I listened to some of The Kilns music (my friends band) and it was really rad. They are killer, and you should check them out here:http://www.myspace.com/thekilnsband. Talking music and planning future projects today totally lifted my spirit and got me all giddy. A lot of those friends are from Kingwood as well, so being with them gave me the warm feeling of home. It was nice. After dinner, where we played the best prank I have ever been apart of, I headed back to Sherman Oaks and hung out with two of my pals. I made them burnt cinnamon rolls, and despite the weird orange icing, they ate them gladly. We talked, fiddled around with the guitar, watched SNL, and then I ptfo'd on the couch. I woke up to my dear friend Adam covering me with a blanket and trying to take my shoes off. He was helping me get comfy so I could crash on the couch and avoid having to drive 25 mins home whilst half asleep. I was so out of it and groggy, but it felt so nice having someone taking care of me. I asked him to brush my hair, and despite the odd request, he did. That was the moment I realized that I have been giving anorexic love to others and myself. I realized that  I have received an abundance of love, support, and security just in this one day alone, yet I had not been accepting it for all that it is. I am ashamed to look back on the weeks I have lived here and just now notice that the love, support, and security has been here all along.

   I wasn't receiving Skinny Love, I was giving it. I had friends today who sacrificed time and money (my friend Paul covered my dinner, thanks Paul!). They helped me out and included me. They made me laugh and feel happy. Best of all, they loved me. I was an idiot for feeling the way I have been. The love that has been sent my way is the opposite of skinny, it is fat and obese. I realize that God probably didn't call me out here to have some other massive thing happen in my life. He called me out here to live and to love. To love people, this city, and Him above all else. Though I don't know what is around the corner, I am really optimistic and excited to continue growing. I am so blessed to have these awesome friends and to be able to develop such amazing relationships with others here. From now on, my love will be fat, you can count on that!

   Just a quick summary of other things: I am currently reading two books for pleasure, which are titled "Same Kind of Different as Me," and "Changes That Heal." Both are tremendous so far, and I am really learning a lot from them! I got my first paycheck from my new job on Friday, WOO! It felt good, and it's nice to not be completely broke anymore. I am really pumped for Toluca Lake ladies fellowship night this coming Monday, it should be gnarly! I am also really excited to keep writing music with my friend Clay, we are putting together some awesome pieces and I can't wait to share them with ya'll! I have an essay to write that is due monday, and I haven't started yet... so I better stop wasting time writing this post.

Matthew 22:37-40

   Self-explanatory, and relevant! :)

Skinny Love - Bon Iver

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Blessings,

Andi

Auld Lang Syne

   I don't know if this a feeling experienced by a lot of people, but new years just always seems so anti-climatic to me. There's that moment when you are shouting the count down with every one around you, following along with a watch, clock, or the ball dropping on MTV. It always pumps you up and makes you antsy, like you are about to come in contact with a rock star or something. Once the clock strikes midnight though, everyone goes ballistic and starts cheering, blowing noise makers, kissing, etc. You'd think we had just won a war when really all that has happened was a time change. I wish we could have a celebration like this for every time change, like daylight savings. That would be fun, and not really out of the ordinary since Americans tend to make up holidays just for poops and giggles anyways. After all the shouting and the hoopla-ing is done though, there is a moment where there isn't much to do. Typically, you might take some pictures for Facebook evidence that shows you celebrated and it was rad, sit down and finish your drink, or just gaze around the room awkwardly until someone starts asking everyone about their new years resolutions. I tend to be the person that asks about new years resolutions, not going to lie. In the midst of the lull, everyone looks as if they are kissing the past goodbye, lost deep in thought, and probably pondering how they are going to be different this coming year. Truthfully, I kind of mourned the ending of 2010. So much has happened and changed in 2010 that it felt more like a decade than a year. In the midst of my thought process, I thought about the regrets I had in the year, the wrongs I did, the wrongs that were done to me, the challenges and struggles. I kind of got depressed there for a minute, and then I realized I was spoiling a perfect holiday moment for myself. I said a quick prayer, thanking God for Jesus and the forgiveness of sins, and also to help me let go of all the instances and moments in the past that I tend to dwell in/all of the worries and anxieties I have for the future (totes Matthew 6:34 moment). If New Years is good for anything, I would say it helps people take a good look at themselves. During that night, most people at least self-analyze for a second, looking for improvements, looking for lessons learned, looking for meaning and purpose. I am just fortunate and humbled to know that I can find improvement, learn lessons, have meaning and purpose through Jesus Christ. I'm letting go of all the blahness in the past year and now just recounting and enjoying the blessings that I have received. It's quite refreshing, and I thought I should share.

   I also thought it would be appropriate to have 11 resolutions this year on account of it's 2011, cheeky right? I was really excited to come up with them and share them on this blog, but regardless of my main excuse, I was honestly too lazy to really follow through with it. My main excuse for not sharing them though was that I kinda wanted to view it as I view fasting. I decided that my resolutions are something that I should keep to myself. If I were to tell everyone what I was doing (which I already shared one of them with a couple of friends, but that one doesn't count) I feel like I would only be keeping to my resolutions just to get a congratulations and pat on the back for accomplishing them by the next year. I will be blunt and say that was what I sought every time I told someone I couldn't drink sodas (besides sprite) in 2010 because I gave it up for new years resolution. I don't want it to be about that though, I am truly seeking self-improvement by making better habits and sticking to promises I have made to myself and to my community, friends, family, etc. I guess it will be more of a challenge because I don't have people keeping me accountable, but that's okay, I always dig a challenge. I hope by next year, I will be able to look back and see that I did a decent job sticking to them.

   I spent the New Years at the Lynch House with my dear friends Kayla, Herndy, and Kellie. Though it was (as kayla calls it) Dramatic Friday, the holiday still turned out to be quaint and sweet. I would honestly rather spend New Years with a few people I am close with than at a huge celebration or party with a bunch of people I don't know well or at all. The sparkling cider exploded in the fridge, which made for some excitement, and we also rushed 30 seconds before the ball dropped to get our glasses filled to toast to a new year. We did a lot of impressions from the SNL sketch "Surprise Party" and properly documented it by taking pictures behind the sofa. Kayla and I wrapped up the night by watching Pirate Radio, which brought great memories of us driving all the way out to Jackson just to see it in theaters when it came out. Before I went to sleep, I picked up kayla's copy of my favorite book, To Kill a Mocking Bird, and read the first chapter. I thought it might be a cool tradition to read a chapter of it every new years. So, chapter 2 is my assigned reading for 2012, and 3 for 2013, and 4 for 2014, etc. I will probably read the whole book in between the new years, but it will still be something fun and quirky I can do to celebrate.

   Today, my family is packing up the ornaments and taking down the decorations. It's probably one of the worst feelings I experience during the holiday season. It flew by so freakin' fast, and it really bums me out that I won't see the tree lit up in all its splendor until next Christmas. Ugh. I hated packing away all of my frog, Irish, and angel ornaments (the three main subjects of my ornament collection). I am also not looking forward to packing for my flight back to L.A. on Monday. It feels like I just got home yesterday, and though I am excited to get back to California, I will definitely miss the heck out of my friends and family. I start another class on the 4th, and start my job on 5th, so things are going to get busy again, and I am really delighted about it. I seem to function much better and am healthier when I have a lot on my plate. Bring it on 2011, Bring. It. ON.

1 Peter 2:16
 Live like this in 2011!

Psalm 65:11
And stole this one from a @HerndyPants tweet :)

And this --->

The New Year  - Death Cab For Cutie
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