There is a song entitled "Skinny Love" by Bon Iver, and I have been listening to this song over and over again. Despite its somber melody, it is very poetic and musically/emotionally beautiful. I was using this song to dwell in my pit of pity though. I was blaming God for a certain situation I was put in, and I was confused and angry with where I was. I expected to be somewhere else at this point. I predicted that I would have accomplished more and done more and been more by now. I figured that something great was supposed to occur already since God had called me out here 6 months ago. Well, needless to say, I bet you can predict what happened... I was humbled.
I have spent the past week receiving an infinite amount of love without acknowledging it. At my nanny job, Coen the toddler and Oscar the kindergardener are always pouring their sweet, innocent love into my life. The bright smiles and excitement that I receive from them everyday as I walk through the door could melt any grinch's heart. Too bad I was busy being self absorbed with my own over exaggerated drama. Linda, who has graciously welcomed me into her home and shares whatever she has with me continuously gives and gives and gives. We eat and chat together about our day and what's going on, but I should devote more time in trying to give back to her! My classmates in my new class have been really supportive and active in participation, which is a huge blessing. Though the class is difficult, it is nice to have dependable peers who are actually interested in you and your success.
I think what finally slapped me across the face and woke me up from this somber slumber was today. Today I just chilled with friends. I drove down to La Mirada and saw all of my friends who live down there, and it was awesome. I had such a good time hanging out, and I decided that I am definitely going to take trips down there more often because they are just solid people. I listened to some of The Kilns music (my friends band) and it was really rad. They are killer, and you should check them out here:http://www.myspace.com/thekilnsband. Talking music and planning future projects today totally lifted my spirit and got me all giddy. A lot of those friends are from Kingwood as well, so being with them gave me the warm feeling of home. It was nice. After dinner, where we played the best prank I have ever been apart of, I headed back to Sherman Oaks and hung out with two of my pals. I made them burnt cinnamon rolls, and despite the weird orange icing, they ate them gladly. We talked, fiddled around with the guitar, watched SNL, and then I ptfo'd on the couch. I woke up to my dear friend Adam covering me with a blanket and trying to take my shoes off. He was helping me get comfy so I could crash on the couch and avoid having to drive 25 mins home whilst half asleep. I was so out of it and groggy, but it felt so nice having someone taking care of me. I asked him to brush my hair, and despite the odd request, he did. That was the moment I realized that I have been giving anorexic love to others and myself. I realized that I have received an abundance of love, support, and security just in this one day alone, yet I had not been accepting it for all that it is. I am ashamed to look back on the weeks I have lived here and just now notice that the love, support, and security has been here all along.
I wasn't receiving Skinny Love, I was giving it. I had friends today who sacrificed time and money (my friend Paul covered my dinner, thanks Paul!). They helped me out and included me. They made me laugh and feel happy. Best of all, they loved me. I was an idiot for feeling the way I have been. The love that has been sent my way is the opposite of skinny, it is fat and obese. I realize that God probably didn't call me out here to have some other massive thing happen in my life. He called me out here to live and to love. To love people, this city, and Him above all else. Though I don't know what is around the corner, I am really optimistic and excited to continue growing. I am so blessed to have these awesome friends and to be able to develop such amazing relationships with others here. From now on, my love will be fat, you can count on that!
Just a quick summary of other things: I am currently reading two books for pleasure, which are titled "Same Kind of Different as Me," and "Changes That Heal." Both are tremendous so far, and I am really learning a lot from them! I got my first paycheck from my new job on Friday, WOO! It felt good, and it's nice to not be completely broke anymore. I am really pumped for Toluca Lake ladies fellowship night this coming Monday, it should be gnarly! I am also really excited to keep writing music with my friend Clay, we are putting together some awesome pieces and I can't wait to share them with ya'll! I have an essay to write that is due monday, and I haven't started yet... so I better stop wasting time writing this post.
Self-explanatory, and relevant! :)
Skinny Love - Bon Iver